Gary Schwartz's Facebook profile


everbody now: signed, sealed, delivered- we're broke...

so it's a done deal- it's all ours. i still half expect someone to show up tonight while we're there cleaning to let us know that it was all a cruel joke and we have 10mins to leave the building before they call the cops ;)

5.30am today i was wide awake... trying to figure out where the royal guilded spice rack will land in the new kitchen. clearly it's going to be a long-ass work day.

this afternoon will be the ceremonial final stahbies run- with our sabadogigantemortgage payment mere weeks away, something's gotta give- and $4 soy lattes are first on the list.

still, i couldn't be happier- it's amazing what j.mo and i can do when we put our minds to it. stay tuned for more photos!

happy friday-



taking care of bidness...

if anyone knows how to throw together a protest, it's the french. in fact, i wonder if these recent immigration legislation protests around the US would even be happening if it wasn't for all the media coverage of events around france.

there's nothing i love to see more than people taking matters into their own hands- what better way to get your point across than peacefully gathering en masse and slowing things down to a crawl- trains, airports, schools etc. (of course we won't talk about the headache this is going to cause me while covering the after-hours emergency beeper at work...)

regardless, i say rock on france. maybe when you're done reforming your labor laws you can lend us a hand with our endless list of problemes rouges.

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not my first choice transportation method, but hey- whatever works.

oh man, they figured it out...

and to think us vegetarians thought ourselves so clever, inserting our whole grain propaganda into the unassuming minds of the youth of missouri while stepping on cattlemen's hooves... oh the agony we've caused.

read all about it here...

are these senators for real? shouldn't all levels of government be concerned with oh, i don't know- iraq? immigration? healthcare? instead they're going to get all upset because test prep materials mention that people should eat grains and that eating meat increases saturated fat consumption and may lead to heart disease? hhhmmmmm- they're both members of a trade group for cattle ranchers as well.

i would have never guessed.

politics X money = hamburgers for the masses = billions for the healthcare industry



awake again (alternate title: not without my mixer)

today was an exciting day- everyone's favorite resident tortoise, mr hamptonio tortuga (you can call him hampton) shook off the hibernation sleepies and dug his way out of the barrel of dirt in the cellar that he's called home for the past 4 months.

after a long warm bath he was patted dry and returned to his familiar hood- slowly he crawled over to where his 100watt 'sun' is shining and promptly went back to sleep. he'll probably stay there for a few days while he shakes the post-hibernation narcolepsy and his little body warms up... then the morning salads and mashed sweet potato floodgates will open :)

welcome back, hampy... (shhhhh! zzz... zzz... zzz...)

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topping other news. i packed my first box tonight. j.mo has already done quite a few- with school and whatnot i was a little slow to join in, but damn it felt good. naturally one of the first things i packed was my 200lb kitchenaid mixer. sally field had no fucking idea what she was on about with the whole 'not without my daughter' crap. it's mixers first, then women and children (if there's room).

i feel a little guilty that i've been neglectful in my regular posting duties- things were chuggin' on along with work and school, wrapping up things with our new home and getting ready to move etc when we got some news that put everything in a familialtailspin and blogging (along with many other regular activities like sleeping soundly) went out the window. my mum has breast cancer. barely twelve months ago we found out my dad had bladder cancer- what are the chances of two lots of crap luck like this? well, actually- my family leans a little heavy on the 'are you fucking kidding me?' factor even when they're all in more or less fine form. but still- this is a bit much.

so the past two weekends j.mo and i have been down in ct spending time with my parents. there's really not a ton we can do for them, but just spending time together feels like the right thing to be doing now. all of the test results will be in by mid-week, so just a few more days of waiting and then we'll know the extent of situation and the dr's can come up with a treatment plan.

i love my parents to death and there's nothing more important to me than my family. it took a while for this all to sink in- i had immediately switched into caretaker mode and really didn't give myself a chance to react until friday night, at which point i became a blubbering mess while assembling lasagna. (i can cook/eat my way through just about anything ;) i guess i'm a little more scared about this whole thing than i thought i would be at first.

but i have all the faith in the world that she'll be ok in the end and we will all figure out how to deal with it together. there's no other potential outcome in my mind, so we're just all gonna have to run with that, ok?

so here's to my mum- and to getting through whatever it is that's around the corner. you've certainly got a fine crew of cheerleaders in the stands, if i may say so...

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all our lovin'

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melt my butter...

here's a couple more pics from last weekend... i finally got around to getting them off the camera and onto the computer this morning and j.mo's gonna put them all online later today...

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tiny little heartbreakers

howdy innernets...

j.mo and i returned home yesterday from our little southern adventure to see this crew. it was awesome to spend time with lys and her girls... south carolina is so much better than texas.

and all i can say about syd and morgan is that they are the two most beautiful little munchkins you could ever imagine.

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thank you ladies for such a wonderful long weekend. i think j.mo and i both returned home completely sold on the whole 'we're going to be parents one day' thing. signed, sealed, delivered- it's a done deal. well, it will be once we figure out how to get j.mo pregnant.

so other than gushing over the lil'uns... the rest of the weekend was good fun- the weather was gorgeous and around 80 and sunny the whole time. we hit up the zoo, gymboree class, the playground and several of columbia's grocery stores (fixin's for our all out foodorgy). the zoo was lovely, as was the playground. but gymboree will haunt me forever. most of the mothers seemed normal enough (in that southern kinda way). but there was this one freakshow straightfromthetrailer deal with her two kids. shuddah-shuddah. beyond her nasty hair and big dirty toenails.... beyond the god awful southern twang mixed with her attempt to speak to her baby in french (why?)... beyond all that- she was sitting on the gymboree mat in some sort of jumper creation that exposed her hillbillychocha to any/everyone else on the mat. three words:


that was the bulk of the trauma for the weekend, our close encounter of the cooterkind. we had some issues getting home yesterday. we checked in at o'dark hundred in columbia- first the self check in machines wouldn't work and then the woman who helped us only gave us boarding passes as far as Atlanta, instead of all the way to Boston. when i asked her why she got all flustered and said we'd have to check at the gate. sensing we were going nowhere fast (and i had also skipped coffee, holding out for stahbies) we went and got in line for security. while j.mo went to the bathroom i explained at the gate that for some reason the deltachimp who checked us in couldn't give us boarding passes for Atlanta-Boston. Took about 5 seconds to find out our flight was canceled and not only did she not know how to help us but she didn't even tell us that was what was happening.


whatever- we get on our flight, at least knowing now that when we get to Atlanta we have been reconfirmed via Washington and need to have our tickets fixed up. fine. whatever- so we are gonna arrive late and have to make an extra stop.

20 mins into the 40 minute flight from columbia to atlanta everyone starts looking around at each other as we notice the distinct odor of burning aircraft. and we're not talking about a barely noted quick waft- this was a full-on 'i wonder how many minutes of my life are left before this heap of datedmetal and badcarpet ceases to be delta flight 822 and becomes a redhot fireball screaming toward atlanta.' i'm not a nervous flying guy... that made me nervous.

whatever- we lived to tell. and we managed to get out of atlanta on a non-stop flight to boston in the end, so it all worked out ok. well, ok until we got home and found john's mum as sick as she always is after we return from a nice relaxing trip away somewhere. funtimes while they lasted ;)

we've got tons more pics- just have to get them off of the camera, so stay tuned.


oh my rack...

the guilded royal spice rack arrived today.

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i nearly had an orgasm at work when i opened it. it's so much bigger than i thought it would be (that's what he said!)...

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i'm gonna be like one of those ghettonans that keeps the plastic on the couch with this baby...

headed south...

tomorrow j.mo and i embark on a little adventure we affectionately refer to as gluttonfest'06. time to pack up and head south to the great red beyond for a spring break full of lys, the ladies of the plantation, and general lethargy, overeating, and hours of vh1. beyond the carb-bliss and inevitable 5 extra lbs i'll be taking home with me as carry on, it's also going to be in the 80's. do you know what the means to a couple of frostbitten new englanders who have been dealing with 20 degrees and 'breezy' since november??

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these truly are the only people i'd risk bluelife and gaylimb for-

free tickets from delta- check.
apron- check.
recipes- check.
vegan chocolate chips- check.
soy chicken sandwiches for the ride to south carolina- check.
schoolcrap that i won't look at (but hauling it around will appease my guilt)- check.
flipflops- check.
one date with a southern institution i've always hoped to visit- check:

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www.pigglywiggly.com i'm all over any establishment involving food and a dancing pig mascot!

bring it on- at least this time we're not trekking to the asshole of texas to see you guys. there's no place like an army base in central texas for aesthetics, culture... although the chewing tabacco and pick up trucks was a nice touch. we all spent the bulk of that weekend on the couch with the upright vacuum cleaner between us since it was the only thing that would keep roxilla the shebeast-remotecontrol-eating-cowdog at bay (she hated the vacuum cleaner) don't get me wrong, time spent with lys and her lil'uns is second to none and i wish we could do it more often. i'm just thrilled we don't have to return to texas. and i'm sure she is too ;)

see you tomorrow ladies :)(:


oh roomba....

during an 11o'clock news commercial break, j.mo and i were both amazed to learn that roomba now has a mopping counsin called scooba. basically fatfuck americans that don't have the physical ability to touch their non-existent ankles really shouldn't be mopping and vacuuming anyways- all that pushing and pulling and heavy lifting.

the makers of roomba (and now scooba too) really are providing an invaluable community service to the american public. i salute you with this post.

thanks to this ingenius invention, millions of a american housewives have been liberated from the drudgery of crawling around their floors with an oldschool dustbuster. now they can finally get up off the floor and back on the couch while roomba and scooba happily circle around the house sucking up twinkie crumbs and fries:

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with easy to follow instructions and multiple random route maps to choose from:
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and don't forget the dedicated 24/7 non-english speaking customer care profressionals standing by:
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unwanted pets? no problem- roomba also comes with a pet removal feature for both cats-
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and dogs-
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and just in time, roomba sales have skyrockted in south dakota now that they've developed an 'unwanted child' disposal feature... just plunk the dear lil unwanted/unabortable morsel down on the floor and let roomba do the rest:
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oh roomba- you're the best.


two cents

there are two things in the news right now that i've got to comment on:

South Dakota law bans most abortions

by far the most sickening part of this whole thing: 'State lawmakers had rejected proposed amendments that would have made exceptions for rape or incest.'

that's why we're gonna drive out to south dakota in a big ol' blue state bus plastered with pictures of bleedin' heart liberals, american flags, a troupe of angry feminists clinging to the roof rack, and an exhasut pipe spewing granola and condoms all the way to sioux falls. and when we get there we're gonna help evacuate all the lovely ladies of the upper midwest who would rather not have their innocent ovaries caught in the crossfire at republicandickfest2006.

and how about these two?
Police hunt pair who torched homeless man

surely there are better ways to make sure the neighborhood homeless keep warm this time of year than lighting them on fucking fire. unreal. and so sad.

what kind of sick peoole would do something like this?? good luck to you when you come back next time around as an ant... an ant that's being chased around the front porch by a pudgy five year old with a magnifying glass focused in on your ass on a hot july day. you smell something burning?


last call...

yesterday was all about buying things, superconsumptionsunday- mostly things for the new abode. a new couch (special order with the exact fabric/color we wanted), a new dining room table & chairs and a big ol' cart full of stuff from target.

and since this is probably the last time i/we will willingly shell out large amounts of cash before mortgagelockdown begins, i figured i should buy a few things for myself too while there's still some extra $ in the budget.

i wouldn't exactly call a pair of jeans and a couple of new shirts a splurge, but perhaps this was a little over the top:

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that's right- there's gonna be a dean & deluca 40-spice-make-me-moist-menagerie parked on our granite. maybe i spend a little too much time in the kitchen, but this has probably become one of the top 5 reasons i'm excited to move. (the other 4 reasons, in no particular order- no more triplecathairtumbleweed, no commuter rail rumbling through the backyard, no bathroom leaking through the ceiling into the kitchen, and last but not least- it's all ours!)

i also bought myself some sneakers that i'm rather excited about as well...
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ok- i'll stop now. back to shoveling plane tickets into the travelfurnace.


a better way

ben's back with some new music and that makes me very happy...

'better way' is the first track and it's awesome-

have a look/listen at benharper.net

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it's the great pumpkin, charlie brown...

i don't know about you, but i'm absolutely sure that our dear onlookers are commenting in hindi on the striking resemblance between that large pumpkin/gourd and our president.

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in the next photo (curiously omitted from cnn's coverage) we learn that g.dubs had lifted up the pumpkin so that dick-wickidshapshootin-cheney could blast a few rounds as in illustrative interpretation of the white house's stance on the now permanent war'o'terror. guess they forgot they weren't back in crawford this trip...

i know...

why doesn't the bush administration just outsource public school teachers as well? clearly they're more worry than they're worth.

venti-sized exhaustion...


i've had a deathgrip on my venti soy latte all morning and now it's empty. i better prop myself up and get the drool cup out before it's too late... it's gonna be a long rest of the day.

i seem to have caught the dreaded office sars that has been making the rounds the past two weeks. so that equates to several nights of restless 'sleeping' and about 4 boxes of kleenex.

it doesn't really matter that i'm this exhasuted today. why? just about everyone i work with went out last night because someone is escaping, i mean leaving- so they all came hobbling/crawling in this morning in various states of too much to drink last night. in fact- a few of them appear to have slept here. (the telltale signs of beerfunk and strangely similar outfits abound... and i also saw one of my co-workers applying deodorant at their desk. in my best smalltownaustralia voiceover 'you've got no dignity, muriel.')

so on that note...

hope everyone has a good friday.



the real deal...

so those photos you saw before were of the unit on the ground floor...

we had the inspection this morning and i ran around like a five year old on 5 pixie sticks snapping photos:

living room:
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dining room:
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master bedroom:
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and its bath-
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main bathroom:
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office/guest bedroom:
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and my personal favorite:
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view of the neighborhood from the front porch:
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if it hadn't been 4 degrees out i would have taken some pics from the back porch too, but by now my hands were frozen and i couldn't operate the camera anymore...

in case you couldn't tell, i'm a little excited about all of this!